Now it’s burning inside me... the secret…

Since I was in my early teens I knew I was gay. I didn’t quite understand it, but I knew it.

I was thoroughly religious then, like my family.

While I was growing up I loved going to church. Not any church, only the one at this nice monastery in a village nearby. A (catholic) priest lives there, and he has a way of making traditional services untraditional; and a knack of attracting young people.

In this unique place, every service (mass) is preceded with half an hour or more of songs. That was the best part. Two or three young people would sit in the middle of the small cozy church and pick up the guitars, one person would play the keyboard (that used to be me…), and they would play religious songs (fast beat – not traditional). Everyone attending would sing, reading the lyrics on a nicely-done power-point slideshow projected in front of them. There is no professional choir, no microphones, and no rehearsals. Everything was done spontaneously by young people who were there.

Going there was not only about the service. There was also a lot of hanging around in the grounds, camping in the summer, barbeque, more music, and fun… In short, everything a teenager like me would like to do.

I was as religious as one can get. But deep inside, there was this little secret…

Astonishingly, most of the time, I never felt the weight of it. I guess it’s because I never thought much about the future. I mean I did think about my future; like about what I wanted to do for a career. But somehow the whole matter of relationships and the fact that at some point I will be expected to be with a girl, settle down, and get married, has completely slipped out of my mind.

Probably my subconscious had locked this little detail in some closet deep down, so that I don’t have to deal with it. I’m thankful for that. Because if I hadn’t been oblivious to the fact that society will never accept me for whom I am, and atop of that if I had let my sexuality collide with my faith, I probably wouldn’t have been able to handle it all, being that young.

However this started to change two years ago when I graduated from high school and went to university. That’s when I started to reevaluate and rethink every aspect of my life. I started to question things that I previously regarded as axiomatic. Most importantly, I started to question my faith. I don’t want to get into the details of that lengthy process (maybe I’ll do that in some other post), but in the end I got to a point where I no longer believe in god.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about my sexuality.

I’m longing to be with someone that I really love. And I don’t know how to do that while still keeping the secret.

And I feel like it’s gonna explode inside me. I find myself googling stupid stuff like “I’m gay” just to let the words out.  

Coming out is not an option. It’s not because I’m a coward (well, I admit I am in some way). But I don’t want to freak my family out. Knowing them, if they get word that I'm gay, they will be going around from priest to priest asking how to get the demon out of me; and on another channel, they will be consulting as many psychiatrists as they can find about how to cure my “illness”. Not to mention being regarded as an outcast by everyone around me. In short, my life will become a living hell.

Lately I’ve been thinking that my only way out is to travel abroad and live at a less homophobic society; somewhere where I can stop caring about what everyone around me would think. I just can't wait for this to happen...